SAFEGUARDING SELF ESTEEM

There has been quite a lot written about self esteem - how to build it, grow it, and save it, and many parents have come to believe that it is a nearly impossible task - to raise a child - especially a daughter with a healthy sense of self, when in fact - it can be one of the simplest of every day tasks regardless of how busy or demanding the hours of your days are, year after busy year.

It is a Universal Truth that children, who feel that they are an extremely important and joyful part of a parent's life, who feel cherished for who they are, will grow up feeling as if they are an integral part of what makes the world a place of wonderment that they can play in and change for the better - even when they have been raised in the humblest of homes.

Complement your child every chance you get. This can be done all day long in a variety of small ways. You can comment on her eyes, her smile, her choice of hair accessory to complement her outfit, her kiss, her hug, her concern for you, for others, for animals, for plants, for teachers or friends.
Applaud her independent efforts no matter how small. A well - written assignment, a drawing, a performance of any sort, an attempt at a game or activity never before tried or played.

Remind her that everyone has a gift that will be recognized or discovered by someone, and that everyone has worth and is worth listening to and learning from, that there is always something that can be taken away from an experience; which will add to her own wealth of knowledge and experience.

Stress the beauty and power of communicating well. Let her know how quickly people are identified by their speech regardless of its content.
Remind her that courtesy is a thing that every person deserves in equal measure, and that can disarm an adversary.

Let her know that there is nothing in this world that she cannot achieve if she wishes to invest her mind and her time toward achieving it, and that she should seek out like-minded persons who see the possibilities in everything rather than obstacles too large or complicated to attempt.

Tell her to be fearless when she is right. Tell her to stand with her convictions and she will teach others about the power of truth, even those who have never heard it.

Read to her about the multitude of women throughout history whose immense contributions to everything that has been discovered or created by human kind have no equal, and remind her that she will be one more great woman in that unbroken chain.

THE FRAGILE ART OF DISCIPLINE

I was out on a run this afternoon, and trying to remember the many instances during my "early" years as a mother in my "twenties" when I was compelled to discipline my first two daughters,who grew up four years apart. I remembered one particular afternoon, when I stood searching for clothing bargains for back to school with my daughters - the youngest who was not yet 4 years old at the time.
In those days, many stores used to have clothing racks that spun around so the shopper could look at every item while standing on the same spot, and so I stood there with my daughters by my side, spinning the rack, looking and talking with them, until all of a sudden - my youngest daughter was gone.

I remember my desperate scream and my older daughter's arm in my hand as I grabbed a store worker with my free arm like a ravenous predator, just as my mischievous 4 year old emerged from her hiding place inside the spinning clothing rack, wearing a nervous smile.

I cried hot tears as I held both of them, thanked God - and then, as if I had been a seasoned General who had commanded armies of thousands across deserts and frozen waste lands - I selected a meeting place on the floor of the store and spent the better part of an hour - explaining to both of them, while shoppers witnessed - why that scenario should never happen to anyone , and why it would never happen again in our life.

My decision to stop everything - and to address the incident immediately where it occurred regardless of who watched or heard, impacted both my daughters in such a way - that they never forgot that lesson - or any of the many other lessons I delivered in very much the same way - Those lessons became "etched" in such a way as to render them permanent.

There are 3 necessary elements to this "etching" process.

The first one is to "Seize The Moment" . Do not allow a cooling down period when immediate discipline is called for. Take the time to stop whatever it is you are doing, whether you are in public or not - and to address the situation. It becomes the most important thing at the time - and everything else can wait - and I mean everything.

The second is to "Take your Time" Explain why the behavior was unacceptable. Use examples from history, books, movies, whatever you can think of that will help her understand the scenario more clearly, while making it memorable - even if she appears to be bored or disinterested in what you have to say - these "pearls" are being internalized by your daughter - believe me.

The third is to "Safeguard her Self Esteem" Never - and I mean Never strike your daughter. I have come to believe that violence destroys the very fibers that build Self Esteem. Never - and I mean Never "call" your daughter anything other than the daughter you love - even when you are terribly angry or horribly disappointed.
Let her know that she is a great gift in your life.
She will believe you.

My third and youngest daughter is twenty years younger than her sister in the middle, and is now compelling me to re-visit my old techniques; which served me well.

They are serving me again.

FAIRY TALES ARE GOOD TEACHERS

I recently viewed the movie Sex in the City, and really enjoyed watching the many facets of true friendship among women, despite their differences. There was a scene in the movie, when Carrie Bradshaw ( who had suffered great emotional injury) was reading a Fairy Tale to three-year old Lily, her friend Charlotte's daughter. Carrie told Lily that Fairy Tales were not true - and Lily responded by asking her to read it again.
I have been collecting Fairy Tales from all over the world since my eldest daughter was an infant; which means I have a collection spanning over three decades.
I have Tales from the Punjab, Burmese and Thai Fairy Tales, Russian Fairy Tales, and many more in addition to those by Grimm, Hans Christian Anderson, CS Lewis, and others who blessed the page with their wisdom and hope.
I read many of these tales to my daughters, who listened attentively as good battled evil and perilous journeys were faced with bravery and stamina by men, women and fantastic creatures who believed that goodness would be triumphant in the end, even if the road was long and hard.

Fairy Tales talk to us when we first begin to look around our world, and they assure us that we will encounter strange and often difficult situations, but that despite their strangeness or degree of difficulty, they can be endured and can even serve to make us stronger and wiser at the end of our journey.
They show us the faces as well as the vices and devices of evil doers, that will help us to recognize them as we grow older - even when they are masked or have a pleasing countenance.

They teach us to be patient and to be strong willed and convicted about ourselves and our beliefs, even during the most trying set of circumstances.

They are powerful and stay with us all of our lives.

The following are quotes attributed to Einstein, Hans Christian Anderson, and C.S. Lewis - in that order:

If you want your children to be intelligent, read them Fairy Tales. If you want them to be more intelligent, read them more Fairy Tales.

Every man's life is a Fairy Tale written by God's fingers.

Some day, you will be old enough to start reading Fairy Tales again.

Read Fairy Tales to your daughters every night - even a couple of pages will do on a busy night, until the tale is done, and until that day when your daughter no longer wants one.

The tales will work their Magic indeed.

SOULMATES DO EXIST

When my three daughters were infants, I often sang love songs to them while I rocked them to sleep, or recited the love poems or sonnets that spoke of great love written by both men and women who had found great love, and had learned how full the soul could feel when it has found a true mate.
I also whispered to them as they slept, that true love did exist, and that they should never, never despair, nor ever lose hope - no matter how long it would take for them to find it, for despair and loss of hope often leads a woman down a path no woman should ever walk upon, a path of overwhelming loneliness that grows ever denser and darker when she allows herself to share her life with someone who will never come to know her.

Sing, Read, Share... Children are always listening ... even when you think they are not.